Vandag wil ons ‘n bietjie kyk na huweliksgeluk, na die positiewe kant, maar ek wil net om mee te begin moet ek eers ‘n begrip neerlê, is hier onderwysers in die gehoor, kan ek gou sien? Daar is hy, David mooi. David is ‘n onderwyser. David, by julle skool wat leer julle vir die kinders is die teenoorgestelde van ongelukkig? Hy is nou versigtig, hy is bang. Okay wat is julle geleer toe julle in standerd 2 wat is die teenoorgestelde van ongelukkig? Gelukkig, ja natuurlik.

Kan julle nou verstaan hoekom ons onderwysstelsel in so gemors is as kinders sulke nonsens geleer word. Sê vir my, hoe kan die teenoorgestelde van ongelukkig, gelukkig wees? As ek na ‘n muur toe stap en ek stamp my kop teen die muur, sal dit my ongelukkig maak? Ja. Nou as ek ophou om my kop te stamp sal dit my dan gelukkig maak? Die dame sê ja. Ek het goeie nuus vir jou, vir jou om geluk in die lewe te vind al wat jy moet doen is om jou kop teen die muur te stamp sodat jy kan ophou. As jy groter geluk wil hê sal jy wat moet doen? Hoe weet jy, ek dink hy doen dit al solank. Ek weet jy sê dit is ‘n mal ou, dis sommer nonsens.

Kom ons vat ‘n baie realistiese voorbeeld, wie het al ooit ‘n enkel verstuit? Baie, okay. Die meneer daar, het dit vir jou ongelukkig gemaak? Ja, en vir ‘n paar dae loop ‘n ou so hinkepink. Sê vir my is jy vandag gelukkig omdat jy gesonde enkels het? Hy sê ja, en ek sê hy praat nonsens. Jy het nog nie eers vandag aan jou enkels gedink nie, het jy? Komaan jy het nie vanoggend wakker geword en gesê: Oe ek is so gelukkig my enkels is gesond nie. So, dink weer ‘n bietjie mooi as jy ‘n enkel verstuit is jy ongelukkig, want dis seer en so ook enige siekte, maar as jy weer gesond word hoe voel jy dan? Wat is die woord, neutraal? Presies, dis ‘n goeie woord, want ons onderwysers moes vir ons geleer het op skool dat die teenoorgestelde van ongelukkig is nie-ongelukkig en nie-ongelukkig is ‘n neutrale gevoel, die soort gevoel wat baie mans betoon wanneer hulle vrouens huis toe kom met ‘n nuwe rok. Nou trek sy hom aan en sy sê: Skatlam, hoe hou jy hiervan? Wel, hy kan vir haar een van drie antwoorde gee nadat hy vasgestel het hoeveel die ding kos, maar as hy nou eers weet hoeveel dit kos kan hy vir haar sê: Wow, dis pragtig. Hy kan vir haar sê: Ag nee maar dit pas jou mos nou glad nie, of hy kan sê wat die meeste mans sê en wat is dit: Nee dis okay, dis oraait, kan gaan, nie te bad nie. Ek weet van een ou wat sê: Liefie as jy daarvan hou, hou ek daarvan. Wat gee hy eintlik te kenne, hy is nie positief nie, hy is nie negatief nie. Dit is wat nie-ongelukkig beteken. Wat dink julle is die teenoorgestelde van gelukkig? Nie-gelukkig en nie-gelukkig is ook neutraal.

Ek het nie gekom om met woorde te speel of vir julle grammatika te leer nie, maar ‘n baie belangrike begrip uit te wys. As daar dinge in jou huwelik is wat jou ongelukkig maak sal die regstelling daarvan nie huweliksgeluk meebring nie. Dink ‘n bietjie mooi daaroor. As ‘n vrou haar man baie neul, dit maak ‘n ou ongelukkig, maar as sy ophou neul bring dit nie vir hom huweliksgeluk nie. Hy is nou net nie meer ongelukkig oor haar geneulery nie. As ‘n man gereeld laat by die huis kom maak dit sy vrou baie ongelukkig, want as hy begin vroeg huis toe kom sal dit nie vir haar huweliksgeluk bring nie. Sy is nou net nie meer ongelukkig oor sy laatkommery nie.

As ons praat oor huweliksgeluk moet ons eintlik praat oor twee dinge.

• Dinge wat jy moet doen om huweliksongelukkigheid te voorkom en
• Heeltemal ander goed om huweliksgeluk te bevorder.

Die een is nie die outomatiese gevolg van die ander nie. Wat dink julle voorkom huweliksongeluk? Dit word bepaal deur die mate waarin jy aan jou maat se rolverwagtinge voldoen en in elke huwelik is daar rolverwagtinge en dit mag verskil van huwelik tot huwelik. Ek verwag baie dinge van Joy. Een van hulle is sy moet vir my gereeld kos maak. As sy dit nie gedoen het nie sou ek baie ongelukkig gewees het. Die feit dat sy dit wel doen maak my glad nie gelukkig nie. Ek kan hierdie dame se gedagtes lees, sy sê ja tipies ondankbare stukkie mansmens, reg? Ja.

Joy het baie verwagtinge van my. Weet julle een van die dinge wat sy van my verwag is dat as dinge by die huis breek moet ek hulle regmaak, soos ‘n kraan wat lek. As ek dit nie doen nie, is sy ongelukkig nie. As ek dit wel doen is sy nie ongelukkig nie. Ek het maar net gedoen wat van my verwag is.

So, as jy net doen wat van jou verwag word in jou rol as man en jou rol as vrou, en dan praat ek van husband and wife, not man and woman in die huwelikskonteks.

As jy net doen wat van jou verwag word in jou rol as man of vrou, het jou maat nie rede om ongelukkig te wees nie, en hulle het ook nie rede om gelukkig te wees nie. So, menere een van die strategieë wat daaruit voortvloei is jy moet nooit ooit vir jou vrou ‘n duur geskenk koop op haar verjaarsdag, moedersdag, huweliksherdenking of Kersfees nie, want op daardie dae verwag sy ‘n geskenk. As sy op daardie dae nie ‘n geskenk kry nie is sy ongelukkig. As sy wel ‘n geskenk kry is sy nie ongelukkig nie. So, op daardie dae koop jy vir jou vrou ‘n geskenk net groot genoeg om haar nie ongelukkig te maak nie, en dit spaar jou sommer baie geld.

Dames ek het oor hierdie onderwerp al dwarsoor die wêreld gepraat en ek het nog nooit ‘n vrou ontmoet wat met my verskil het op die punt nie want meneer, in die middel van die jaar by ‘n paar geleenthede vir geen ander rede as om haar net te laat weet hoe belangrik en hoe spesiaal sy is, dan koop jy vir haar ‘n paar mooi geskenke en kyk ‘n bietjie die opbrengs op daardie belegging. Sit jou geld waar jy die beste rendement kry – aandete en als wat daarna volg. Komaan dames is dit nie waar dat die onverwagte baie meer betekenisvol is as die verwagte?

Ons het nie vanaand gekom om te gesels oor wat jy moet doen om huweliksongelukkigheid te voorkom nie, maar hoe om huweliksgeluk te bevorder, en dit word bepaal deur die mate waarin jy aan jou maat se emosionele behoeftes voldoen. O, ja sê ‘n jong vroutjie eendag vir my ek dink ek weet wat jy bedoel, sy sê: Weet jy ek verwag van my man om my saans met die skottelgoed te help. Nou vir pasgetroudes is dit okay, hoor. Sy sê: As hy my gisteraand nie gehelp het nie sou ek baie ongelukkig gewees het, maar die feit dat hy my gehelp het, het my nie gelukkig gemaak nie, maar as hy blomme huis toe gebring het, o, dit sou my so gelukkig gemaak het. Die feit dat hy dit nie gedoen het nie, het my nie ongelukkig gemaak nie, want dit was nie een van die verwagte dae wat hy moes blomme bring nie. So vir hierdie dame was hulp met die skottelgoed ‘n verwagting. Blomme sou ‘n emosionele behoefte bevredig het.

Die vraag wat ek en Joy vandag wil probeer beantwoord is wat is die emosionele behoeftes van ‘n man en wat is die emosionele behoeftes van ‘n vrou.

MANS SE 3 BASIESE EMOSIONELE BEHOEFTES:

1  Bewondering

Die eerste een ken almal. Die pad na ‘n man se hart is deur sy? Sy wat? Het ek die woord maag gehoor? Mevrou wie het jou daardie nonsens geleer, jou skoonma?

Dis is ‘n klomp nonsens. Die pad na ‘n man se hart is deur sy ego. Dames moenie lag nie, julle verstaan dit nie. Ons het hierdie verskriklike sterk behoefte aan bewondering. Ons is soos klein seuntjies, ons wil net bewonder word veral deur ons vrouens. Jy sien dit reeds op skool. As ‘n jong outjie aandag van ‘n meisie wil kry, hoe gaan hy te werk, hy probeer haar beïndruk. Op daardie ouderdom show hy af en hy maak ‘n gek van homself want hy weet dit nie, maar daardie behoefte is daar hoor.

Dames ek wil nou vir julle sê as jy jou man wil verstaan dan moet jy weet daardie behoefte neem nie af met die jare nie, dit neem toe. ‘n Ongelooflike sterk behoefte en elke keer wat ‘n vrou haar man kritiseer, elke keer wat sy kla, elke keer wat sy moan, elke keer wat sy fout vind met iets, elke keer as sy daardie verskriklike woorde gebruik: Ek het jou mos gesê. Luister verstaan jy nie wat jy aan jou man doen nie, jy vernietig iets. Jy breek iets af en soms is die kritiek net stilswye en dit is meer oorverdowend as woorde. Jy breek hom net af. Jy breek hom net af en dan eendag per toeval loop hy ‘n ander vrou raak wat haar bewondering vir hom uitspreek en hy val vir haar soos ‘n sak patats. Ek wil vir geen oomblik, moet my nie verkeerd verstaan nie, as ‘n man ontrou is aan sy vrou en dit is die ergste, ergste ding wat ‘n man aan sy vrou kan doen, dat dit nou die vrou se skuld is nie. Ek sê dit vir geen oomblik nie en dit is nie die boodskap nie, maar die boodskap is dit mevrou, as jou man nie bewondering by die huis kry nie is hy baie meer vatbaar vir die bewondering wat ‘n ander vrou aan hom kan gee.

Maar as ‘n vrou haar man gereeld laat verstaan wat sy van hom waardeer, wat sy van hom hou, wat sy in hom bewonder en as ek sê gereeld dan sou ek voorstel so minimum van twee keer per dag, verstaan, verkieslik meer maar ek sal settle vir daardie minimum. Is julle ouens okay daarmee? Dames jy het geen idee wat jy aan jou man doen nie en vrouens verstaan dit nie werklikwaar. Een vrou sê eendag vir my: Ag man dis ‘n klomp nonsens, hoekom moet ek my man se ego so pamperlang? Mevrou, vir dieselfde rede dat jy al jou emosionele skommelinge in ag moet neem wat hy ook nie verstaan nie, maar wat ‘n werklikheid is en jy ignoreer jou man se ego behoeftes maar net tot jou eie nadeel. ‘n Geweldige sterk behoefte.

2 Om die hoof van die huis te wees:

Die tweede emosionele behoefte van ‘n man is die behoefte om die hoof van sy huis te wees. Daarom sê die Here vir die vrou: Jy moet aan jou man onderdanig wees. Nou, meneer as moderne vrouens die woord onderdanigheid hoor, want hulle verstaan dit nie, hulle dink dit impliseer sy is minderwaardig. Luister, geen vrou is minderwaardig teenoor ‘n man nie. As ons mans eerlik moet wees is vrouens ons meerdere op sommer baie terreine en oor die algemeen gesproke is vrouens baie meer sensitief as mans en hulle gee meer om vir ander mense. Hulle is emosioneel ryker as ons. Hulle leef langer as ons, maar dit is omdat verf so goeie preserveermiddel is.

Ek kan net aan twee terreine dink waar die man die vrou se meerdere is, net twee terreine. Wat is die eerste een? Fisiese krag. Mevrou, as jy nie dop van die bottel kan afskroef nie wie vra jy om dit te doen? As daar swaar goed is om te dra wie vra jy om dit te dra? Mans is fisies sterker as vrouens in terme van krag. Die tweede terrein waar die man die vrou se meerdere is, is natuurlike skoonheid. Hoekom lag julle? Luister, ons mans hoef nie verf op ons gesigte te sit om mooi te lyk nie, ons lyk van nature mooi. Julle vrouens moet dit opmaak, dit is hoekom julle make-up dra. Ek sien van die dames dink nie dis snaaks nie, maar luister as julle my nie glo nie gaan kyk maar na die diereryk, die mannetjie is altyd mooier as die wyfie. Dit is maar net die natuur waarvan ons praat.

Dames hoor wat ek gesê het, net twee terreine, gun ons ten minste dit. Ek het gesê julle is ons meerdere op somme baie terreine. Hierdie onderdanigheid het absoluut niks te doen met minderwaardigheid, meerderwaardigheid nie, dit het eenvoudig te doen met orde. Geen organisasie kan funksioneer tensy iemand die verantwoordelikheid dra vir die finale besluit nie. Jy kan nie ‘n sakeonderneming hê waar die personeel sê: As ons nie van die bestuurder se besluit hou nie dan gaan ons dit nie uitvoer nie. Ek meen jy het chaos. Jy kan nie ‘n skool hê waar die onderwyser sê: As ons nie van die hoof se opdragte hou nie dan gaan ons dit net ignoreer – chaos.  Dit beteken nie hulle neem altyd die regte besluite of gee altyd die regte opdragte nie, maar iemand moet daardie verantwoordelikheid hê ter wille van orde en die Here het dit aan die man gegee en dames daardie behoefte in ‘n man is so sterk dat elke keer wat ‘n vrou haar wil op haar man afdwing – ons het gister gesien dat vrouens het mos ‘n hele reeks tegnieke, van dikbek tot sankies.

Weet jy wat jy doen, jy dwing jou man om die teenoorgestelde te doen deur of te onttrek en niks te doen nie, en hy laat al die besluite aan jou oor en ek het nog nooit terloops ‘n vrou ontmoet wat die besluit in die huis neem wat gelukkig getroud is nie. Of hy doen doelbewus die teenoorgestelde. ‘n Vrou bel my eendag, maar sy skree in die telefoon, ek hou die telefoon hier ver: Jy praat so van hierdie onderdanigheid, wel laat ek ‘n ding vir jou sê ons buurman se boom blokkeer ‘n drein. Daar is altyd ‘n gemors in ons tuin. Ek het vir meer as ‘n jaar al vir my man gesê hy moet dit regmaak en hy het dit nou nog reggemaak nie, en moet ek dit nou maar net aanvaar?

Mevrou, verstaan jy nie, jy is die een wat verhoed dat hy dit regmaak. Wat meen jy ek verhoed hom? Asseblief mevrou, jou man is onnosel nie, hy kan die gemors sien, maar omdat jy vir hom sê hy met dit regmaak kan hy dit nie regmaak nie want sou hy dit regmaak dan beteken dit jy is baas en hy is Klaas. Sy ego kan dit nie vat nie. Hy sal liewer met die gemors opgeskeep sit. Weet julle hoeveel vrouens het hulle mans al gedwing, letterlik gedwing om die verkeerde ding te doen omdat sy aandring dat hy die regte ding doen en vrouens is baie intelligent, hulle weet presies wat die regte ding is, maar dwing dit op jou man af en jy stuur hom in die teenoorgestelde rigting.

Ons het jare gelede en dit is ‘n lang tyd gelede wat ons hier in Pretoria waterbeperkinge gehad het, maar ‘n klomp jare gelede het ons waterbeperkinge gehad. Een oggend staan ek onder die stort en ek geniet my stort en uit die bloute sê Joy vir my: Hei jy moenie so lank stort nie ons moet water bespaar. Nou ek meen sy is reg, en ek is nie onverskillig oor waterbesparing nie, maar daardie oggend het ek gestort tot die warmwater op was, want daar is net iets in my wat sê sy moenie vir my sê wat om te doen nie. Julle vrouens sê jis maar julle mans is kinderagtig en hardkoppig en dikvellig en… Ja wil jy byvoeg tot die lys, dit is die man. Dit is die manlike ego – stamp jou kop, al wat jy gaan kry is kopseer.

Voordat julle dink dit is onbillik dames, ek het goeie nuus vir julle, hierdie onderdanigheid beteken dus nie dat ‘n man maar kan baasspeel oor sy vrou nie en sy moet nou maar net sê: Ja skattie, nee skattie, goed skattie. Dit is glad nie wat dit beteken nie. Julle neem saam besluite. Julle werk as ‘n span en funksioneer as ‘n span. Ek wonder wanneer laas Joy aan my onderdanig was, weet jy hoekom, omdat dit nie nodig is nie. Ons neem saam besluite, ons stem saam, ons werk as ‘n span. Wanneer julle saam besluite moet neem soos ons gister gesien het en jy kan werklikwaar nie konsensus bereik as jy dan vir jou man sê: Dankie dat jy dit bespreek, luister ek gaan die besluit aan jou oorlaat. Wat dink jy gaan die meeste mans in die meeste gevalle besluit? Komaan mans, wat sy wil hê. Natuurlik, want ons mans geniet dit om ons vrouens te plesier behalwe as sy daarop aandring.

Ons het so tien jaar gelede in Monumentpark gewoon en ons het verhuis, ons het ons huis verkoop en die huis het volvloermatte gehad, wat beteken ons moes die matte nou maar agterlaat. Die nuwe huis het nou teëls in die sitkamer. Nou het ons ‘n mat nodig vir ons sitkamer. Ek wou ‘n mat net so dik gehad het, want dit sal wonderlik wees om liefies op te maak voor die kaggel. Joy wou weer ‘n dun mat gehad het, want dit het die regte kleur en die regte patroon en dit skakel in by alles. Nou probeer ek haar oorreed vir my mat, sy probeer my oorreed vir haar mat. Ek moes erken haar mat was mooi, en sy moes erken my mat was funksioneel. Weet jy wat doen sy, sy sê vir my: Luister ek gaan die keuse van sitkamermat aan jou oorlaat. Nou sit ons met hierdie dun ding. Ons moet altyd die matras insleep. Wat ‘n schlep.

‘n Vrou kan enigiets uit haar man kry, enigiets as sy net die besluit aan hom oorlaat. Dames vir ‘n man is dit net nie so belangrik wat die besluit is nie. Vir ‘n man is dit baie meer belangrik wie die besluit neem. Ons het ‘n tydjie gelede ‘n hout musiekstaander gesoek, ‘n pragtige gesnede hout musiekstaander. By elke dorpie waar ons kom en elke antieke winkel waar ons kan kom soek ons vir hierdie musiekstaander en ons kry hom nêrens nie. Eendag kom ek by die huis en daar staan hy in die sitkamer, pragtig, dit is presies wat ons gesoek het. Wow, waar het jy dit gekry? Nee, sy het dit in Johannesburg in ‘n winkel gekry. Hoeveel het dit gekos? Toe sy my sê is ek smoorkwaad. Ek het na die tyd gedink hoekom is ek kwaad, dit is seker maar wat die goed kos. Toe skielik tref dit my, sy het dit gekoop sonder om my te vra.

As sy met net gebel het en gesê het: Luister ek het die ideale ding gevind maar hy kos soveel – kan ek nou vir jou sê ek sou vir haar gesê het gaan voort. Ek weet ek sou dit gesê het, maar net omdat sy daardie besluit geneem het sonder om my te vra is ek sommer kwaad. Dit is hoe ons mans is en julle sê maar dit is stupid en dit is nonsens en dit is sommer twak hierdie. Natuurlik kan jy dit sê, maar dit gaan jou man nie verander nie. Neem dit in ag.

Ons emosionele behoeftes as ‘n man is eerstens behoefte aan bewondering. Tweedens, die behoefte om hoof van die huis te wees.

3 Seks:

Die derde emosionele behoefte en ek beklem die woord emosioneel, is seks.

Dames seks vir ‘n man is nie ‘n blote fisiese drang wat uiting moet vind nie. Dit bevredig ‘n baie diep emosionele behoefte. Dit is hoe hy beminning van sy vrou kry en soms gee, maar meestal kry. Dit is hoe hy uiting gee aan sy manlikheid, maar baie vrouens dink dat seks vir ‘n man is bloot ‘n fisiese drang, so al wat van haar verwag word is om fisies beskikbaar te wees en doen sy die dooie eend roetine. Ken julle dit? Sy lê daar soos ‘n dooie eend en sy sê maak gou. Dit is nie snaaks nie, dit is vernederend want in die proses weerhou sy beminning en sy klap sy manlikheid deur sy gesig en natuurlik dit is so onbevredigend, hy wil die volgende aand weer liefies maak en hoe meer hy dit doen hoe meer dooie eenderig word sy.

Wanneer ‘n vrou vir haar man laat verstaan sy geniet seksuele intimiteit, wanneer sy met geesdrif reageer wanneer hy met die liefdespel begin, wanneer sy so nou en dan die liefdespel inisieer, so nou en dan haar man net verlei en elke vrou weet presies hoe om haar man te verlei, julle het geen idee wat dit aan ‘n man doen nie. Joy het my nou die dag in my studeerkamer verlei terwyl ek besig was om te werk, kan julle dit glo? Dit was fantasties. Dames dit is miskien moeilik om te verstaan, ek probeer net ‘n kykie gee hoe ons mans funksioneer.

Ek weet nie van julle ouens nie, ek het al die mees onmoontlikste tye na my vrou gegaan: Hoe lyk dit nou? Is jy mal, kyk hoe laat is dit. Dan dring ek daarop aan en dan kry ek altyd ‘n dooie eend. Dit het al gebeur dat ek op pad werk toe is, briewetas in my hand en ek gee haar ‘n totsiens soen en dit is een van daardie soene, en ek sê vir haar: Wow hoe lyk dit nou? Sy sê: Ja kom ons laat waai. Dan sê ek: Weet jy wat ek is bietjie haastig nou, los maar vir vanaand – maar ek ry werk toe en ek voel soos ‘n man.

Wanneer ‘n vrou haar man se emosionele behoeftes op daardie drie terreine bevredig, sy behoefte aan bewondering, sy behoefte om die finale besluit in die huis te kan neem en sy behoefte op die seksuele terrein hoef jy nooit ‘n derde party te vrees nie, want geen ander vrou kan enigiets vir jou man doen nie.

Wat is die emosionele behoeftes van ‘n vrou? Joy gaan ons – ek wil nou sê uit die perd se bek sê, maar dan is ek nou weer in die moeilikheid, so…

JOY:   Die ding is hy is perfek so ek hoef nie in te chip nie maar hy moet nou my help. I know why you have asked us to talk to you because you think we are the perfect couple. We do not have the perfect marriage because a perfect marriage is two perfect people.

ARNOLD:   En sy is nie.

JOY:   And to be married to a perfect man is a nightmare, but anyway what we are going to just share with you, Arnold has now shared with you his side, and I am going to have such fun. I’ve got so much to say, so I don’t even know if you are going to go home because I have got lots of things.

ARNOLD:   Joy, kan ek gou-gou vertel hoekom jy in Engels praat en nie in Afrikaans nie?

JOY:   Wil jy vertel of moet ek?

ARNOLD:   Sal ek gou vertel?

JOY:   Ja.

ARNOLD:   Haar Afrikaans is baie goed, maar soms gebruik sy net die verkeerde woorde. Sy spreek nou die dag ‘n klompie sakemanne toe en sy wil vir hulle sê hulle moet modieus aantrek, nie simpel lyk vir hulle vrouens nie en in pleks van om te sê moenie so uit die oude doos aantrek nie, sê sy vir hulle: Julle moenie so ou doos aantrek nie. Daarna het ons besluit sy moet liewer in Engels praat.

JOY:   En nadat ek dit gesê het, het almal net gelag en gelag en ek kon nie aangaan nie, toe sê ek vir Arnold wat het ek gesê. Hy sê ek kan nie nou vir jou sê nie. So ek praat Engels. Ek is baie gemaklik met my Engels. When we were married for ten years we decided why just stay in Pretoria, let’s be exciting and let’s move out of Pretoria and let’s go and celebrate. We decided to celebrate in Durban and we got the children housed with their favourite friends and off we went.

Sunday came and someone said to Michael: Where are your mom and dad? No, they’ve gone to Durban. Why? I don’t know, I think they’ve gone to make love because it is too noisy at home.

ARNOLD:   Slim kinders.

JOY:   Very perceptive. We are very special and we have four emotional needs. We have a need to be understood; we have a need to be protected; we have a need to be treated romantically and tenderly and we have a need to be encouraged, praised and supported. The first thing of being understood, I know you guys are saying: How can we understand you when you don’t even understand yourself? Okay, Sigmund Freud said once: Dear God what does a woman want, what does she want? So, we want you to try to understand us because we are very emotional beings. Our emotions are like waves, up and down and up and down. Always when I am on the crest of the wave I say: Lord, why can’t I just stay there? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I go up again, but when we hit rock bottom it is a time where we purify things, we heal things and we sort things out, and we need to be there. Just leave us there. Don’t tell us to pull ourselves together, just say: I am there if you need me – because we will come to the top again and we are brilliant when we are on the crest of the waves.

I remember I had a dear domestic pal and she and I had a big argument one day, and Arnold came home and he felt the vibes. He said: What happened? So I told him. So, he promptly gave me one, two, three points on how to handle a domestic.

ARNOLD:   Maar dit was logies.

JOY:   But that is not what I wanted. Now you do it differently. How do you do it these days?

ARNOLD:   Deesdae as Joy ontsteld is oor iets dan gaan sit ek net dan sê ek: Haai man ek is jammer, vertel my daarvan, dit kan nie vir jou lekker wees nie. Ek kan sien dat dit jou pla en ek kom nie met teenargumente en sê: man moenie worry nie of dink aan dit of dink aan dat. Ek luister net, en wat sê sy na tien minute? Ag dankie dat jy geluister het, dit is tog nie so erg nie.

JOY:   My only daughter lives in Texas, Amarillo, married to Billy-Bob and there are times when I say to him: Arnold, why did God send her to America, why did she have to marry an American, why is she so far away?

ARNOLD:   En dan vertel ek Joy hoekom die Here dit gedoen het.

JOY:   Maar ek wil dit nie hê nie. I don’t want to be told. It’s an emotional thing.

It’s a reaction. I am reacting to the fact that I am missing her, and I want him rather to say: Well let’s get onto Skype or let’s phone her or let’s make a package and let’s send her something. So this is our wonderful emotions.

Sometimes we are not ready to talk and we would rather talk later. Let’s talk later because there are times when we need to just sort ourselves out. Under this whole thing of understanding by now you have realised that sexually we are so different. God has made us so different, but so special and you guys are turned on by sight. We are not, even if you wish we were. We are turned on by touch, that non-sexual touch, that playful contact, that tickling. That is what turns us on. Your sexual drive is like an electric light, we switch you on and you are ready any time, any place, anywhere.

ARNOLD:   Nee, nee ons s’n is soos ‘n battery Eveready.

JOY:   Guys we are like an old-fashioned iron. You switch us on in the morning and we get hotter and hotter and by the evening we are ripe and ready to go. If you are as clever as Arnold, he phones me during the course of the day and he will say to me: Joy how is your day and what are you doing? Won’t you switch the iron on? Dan weet ek vanaand is die aand.

Can I just say at this stage, I was speaking to a woman on marriage this morning in Jo’burg and it was a very special session, and I was dealing with the whole sexual issue. One woman said to me: Joy, how do you handle this, your husband comes home, he’s had a busy day, he goes into his workroom, he does what he has to do, he watches TV, he has his supper, back on to TV. Then he climbs into bed and he puts out a hand. She said: I can’t do anything. He has not prepared me. What do I do?

The one lady said what she does is, she says: Honey won’t you just go and put on our favourite CD, the CD that we dance to. So he goes out and he puts on the CD, and then he switches off the light and they start dancing together, then she is ripe and ready to go. Guys, we cannot just have a hand like this and expect us to perform. We need preparation. I don’t like to call it a sexual thing, I like to call it intimacy and I like to call it a journey. We are on a journey together and you must enjoy the journey. Don’t aim at the destination because we will never get there, forget about it., but if we are enjoying the journey we will get to the destination and it will be so special the two of us together. Now we need romance, we need foreplay, we need to relax, we need to enjoy the whole thing. We need music, we need candles, we need all sorts of things which I am going to share with you just now. So just remember you cannot just put out a hand, it doesn’t work. Sometimes we just need a hug and say: Goodnight honey – and that’s that.

If I can have something to say to the guys is please slow down. Ladies concentrate and focus. Now guys we have got turn-on’s and turn-offs. I am going to say it in English, I dare not say it in Afrikaans, please dress cool. We like you to look special, we like to be seen with men who are looking really gorgeous because it is important to us. I had a woman phoning me the other day and she said: Joy, I hate the way my husband dresses and I just find I am looking at other men, they seem to know how to dress and what to look like. So, guys just check whether you are just what your wife wants you to be.

Perfume, very important. In the old days perfume had an erotic effect. It hasn’t changed, we love to smell aftershave. Do you use aftershave that we love or do you use a cheap one from one of the stores? Don’t you? Arnold knows which one turns me on and he makes sure that he uses it. Michael is very clever, he gave him a pen the other day for his birthday and at the top you unscrew and you put in the aftershave and so if he has forgotten just before he gets home he unscrews and he “chu-chu” and he’s ready. So, you get those pens, you can phone Mike and ask him where he got them from.

ARNOLD:   I’ve got mine here tonight.

JOY:   Okay, so if you want to see what it looks like guys, please. Does that mean anything? Guys love cycling, they love gyming, they love walking, they love all sorts of things, but just remember your body odour is very important to us. Do you wear underarm, do you shower, all very important to us. Wash your hands before you go to bed especially if you have dogs. Now we have just done a seminar in the Tsitsikamma forest and one couple said could they come, but they need to bring their two monkeys in a cage. I said to them too that night please make sure that you wash your hands after you have dealt with the monkeys before you climb into bed. Just be adventurous, don’t be boring. If your bed squeaks and your mother-in-law is coming to stay your wife is going to: “shhh mom’s going to hear” and it is pointless saying: No she won’t man. She will hear, so you get some oil and you do something to that bed or you invest in a new bed, because your wife knows that mom is going to hear.

Then another thing underneath this whole thing of understanding – you’re probably thinking to yourself why is my wife so different to me, why doesn’t she think the way I do. It is a temperament thing. Arnold and I are total opposites. He is very decisive, very motivated, very organised and I am disorganised and indecisive. So, you can imagine that can cause hassles. I again am very…

ARNOLD:   Especially when we go shopping.

JOY:   Yes, so we just don’t go shopping. It’s a nightmare to go shopping together. I again am sympathetic, caring and loving and he’s not. He is unsympathetic. He battles to go to someone who is dying or someone who’s lost a loved one. Now it’s pointless saying we are so different, how can we get on? Divorce is not an answer. It’s a problem. You don’t even consider anything like that. Just try to understand that you are different and you both have strength and weaknesses. Arnold’s strong, decisive nature protects my indecisiveness. My sympathetic caring nature protects Arnold’s unsympathetic nature. The very fact that he battles to go to someone who’s dying or has lost a loved one, I go on our behalf. I don’t say: Huh you call yourself a Christian, why can’t you do that? No, I know that that is a weakness of his, so I go on his behalf and I support him. Just remember that your partner has something you need and that’s why you chose him.

Our second need is we want to be protected and the Bible says treat your wife with respect as the weaker partner emotionally. What do we need protection from? The first thing is children, young children, tiny children. They can make us tired by the end of the day and so we need protection. We were with friends and it was bedtime for Johnny and he was 4 years old, and mom said: Johnny bedtime – and she grabbed and she grabbed miss, and there was a chase through the lounge until she caught him, kicking, spluttering and she dragged him off to bed.

Dad said nothing, he just carried on chatting. Dad didn’t care. Dad needed to say: Johnny, did you hear what mommy said? We need you to protect us. Then teenagers, they nag, nag, and we haven’t got it in us to be able to handle it all the time. So, we need you to step in there.

If I can say three things, oh yes Arnold has just reminded me we know of a couple whose daughter really gives them hassles. This one particular night she came home again and there were words between her and her mom, and so the husband just quietly tiptoed out of the room, opened the bedroom door, closed the bedroom door, got onto his bed, put the pillow on his head and thought: I am out of this. No, we don’t want you to be out of it, we actually need you by our side because we are so emotional we can’t handle things like that. We need you.

If there are three things I can say to my sons and my husband, it is be considerate of your wives. Respect them and be responsible in the areas as a husband and as a father. We need protection against mother-in-laws and I am a mother-in-law, so, I am talking to myself here, because I think I would like to know if anybody of you has a mother-in-law, daughter-in-law joke at your wedding that you can tell us tonight? No, we don’t joke about something so serious, there are none. But there are plenty mother-in-law, son-in-law jokes and Arnold has his favourite.

ARNOLD:   Die rede is dat ‘n skoonma, skoonseun verhouding is gewoonlik ‘n goeie een en daarom kan ons daaroor grappe maak. Ek het byvoorbeeld ‘n baie goeie verhouding met my skoonma gehad en ek was baie trots op haar, want sy was ‘n toetsvlieënier en ek meen dit is iets om op trots te wees. Dit is iets om op trots te wees as jou skoonma ‘n toetsvlieënier . Okay my skoonma het nou wel in die besemfabriek gewerk, maar sy was nog steeds ‘n toetsvlieënier.

JOY:   Emille jy ken my ma baie goed, ons ma’s was soos susters and towards the end of my mom’s life she had Alzheimer’s and Alzheimer’s is not a pleasant disease. It is a disease that you’ve got to play with so that you don’t get terribly hurt. This one particular evening Arnold picked mom up, she was in the old-age home, picked her up in Pretoria, took her through to Johannesburg to brother-in-law’s 50th, and she had a wonderful time. In the car coming back she said: Joy, I just want to thank the driver because he’s been so nice to me, he’s picked me up and he’s taken me to Jo’burg and he has brought me back again. I was very naughty that night and said: You know what mom I am sleeping with him tonight. She says: What about Arnold?

ARNOLD:   Bly my skoonma skerm vir my.

JOY:   I said: Mom Arnold is the driver. Oh she says, that’s fine. Mother-in-law can play on your wife’s guilt feelings and make her feel very inferior. I remember when our first child was born and Arnold’s mom came to visit from Kimberley, we lived in Cape Town at that stage. He went to the car and he opened the car door for his mom and he said: Mom you are welcome, thanks for coming all the way from Jan Kemp Dorp. Just one thing mom remember it’s our baby, so please don’t give us any advice unless we ask for it. I felt very protected.

As the years went on there is another incident I remember – his mom and I were shopping and we had such a fight in that shop, but we came home and the atmosphere was soos Arnold sê very tight. He said to his mom: Mom I just want you to know whatever the situation is I take Joy’s side. So she said: Huh then I am going home. Arnold said: Mom we don’t want you to go home, we would love you to stay but if you pack in time we can get you a train ticket, because in those days it was trains. Well, she went to the room and closed the door and a half an hour later she came out and she said: You know what I don’t want to go home. Arnold said: Mom thanks, we were very upset that you wanted to go, but we are thrilled that you’re going to stay. Something interesting happened that day, because she and I became very close, because I realised whatever she said to me, whatever she did to me, Arnold would take my side.

Guys, won’t you do that with your mom? Whatever she says to your wife, whatever she does to your wife, you take your wife’s part. The whole thing is – let me explain it to you in another way, say for instance your boss has retired and you have been given his position, and this old boss comes back with the best of intentions and he tells you how to run the show, what would you say to him? You don’t need to tell me, I can guess. And your mother is in that same position. She has retired from looking after you guys and your wife has got that new position. If she is normal like Arnold’s mom, she will come back with the best of intentions and she’ll tell you how to run the show, how to bring up the kids, how to cook healthy meals, how to arrange the furniture, and your wife is going to feel very threatened. So you need to help her there and really step in. We also need protection against our own mother sometimes, or the first wife, because sometimes the first wife can be very demanding with money and children and whatever. So we need protection.

Then our third our need, and I love this one, Colossians 3:19 – husbands love your wives and don’t be harsh on them. If Arnold is harsh with me I go to pieces. This is where we have a need to be treated tenderly and romantically. Be very sensitive to your wives. There are nights when you are going to come home and she is going to be tired, then you give her help and you say: Honey here’s a cup of coffee, you go and sit and watch your favourite soapy, I will put the kids to bed or I will make the supper – not every night. We don’t expect it every night, but it would be wonderful. Or she will say: Honey you know what I’ve just had no time to make supper, I don’t know what I did. Don’t ask her and say: But what did you do all day? We can’t tell you, but we were busy all day. So don’t ask her that, but just say: You know what honey I will go out and get takeaways – or you make the meal. You know what will happen there, your kids will say: Gee but dad cares hey – and to your wife, they will say: He really loves you mom.

Treat your wife like lady. Some ladies like the car door opened for them, others it’s not a hassle. For me it was a big thing. I wanted Arnold to open the car door for me, because I wanted to feel treated like a lady. In the early stages of our marriage he did not always get it right. We would go to a function and he would be walking up the stairs and he would turn to talk to me and he would find I am not next to him. He would look down there and there I would be waving at him from the car park, I am still in the car, he hasn’t opened the car door yet.

ARNOLD:   Ek het ‘n harde tyd gehad.

JOY:   Just treat her like a lady. At the restaurant take out the chair for her, make sure she sits before you push it back again. Just treat her like a lady and she will treat you like a gentleman. Do things together. Life is social. We never know when we’re going to loose one another to death. So just enjoy one another. Respect her.  We had a notice on our loo door that said: Am I fun to live with? So when you’re angry with your wife and you think: Am I fun to live with – you will find your voice will somehow just calm down and something different will come out. Am I fun to live with?

Shop together, go for walks together. As Arnold has already said when we walk, we power walk, we share, we talk, we pray for our children, we lose weight hopefully in the process. It is important but you are on your own, there is no computer, there is no cellphone, there is no phone ringing, you’re just with one another. Eat out. Don’t always eat out with friends because you’re inclined to talk to the other couple, not always to your husband or your wife. One evening I just thought I am going to do something different, I’m going to have a very special supper. In our kitchen, we’ve got a little French kitchen.

ARNOLD:   Moet jy nou die storie vertel?

JOY:   Ja ek moet die storie vertel want jy is nie perfek nie my skat, maar jy is dierbaar. And sometimes guys we look stunning and sometimes we look sommer so. That night I knew I was looking like a dream and I had made his favourite meal. There was candle light and all, and he was looking at me, and looking at me. I thought I wonder what he’s thinking. I couldn’t wait any more and I said: Arnold, what’s on your mind? He said: Joy, I’m looking at all the lines on your faces. Luckily I was up there. My emotions were up on the cloud and I could take it. I said: These are my laughing lines and my granny lines and I’ve earned every one. But just be fun. By the way I have got eight Grammy Awards for singing, telling stories and acting, so I just want you to know eight grand children is precious, but it keeps you busy.

Treat your wife as a mistress. Don’t ever, ever have another mistress. Too many men phone me and say: I had a one-night stand, my wife is devastated, she cannot forgive me, she doesn’t want me back. Guys it’s not worth it. It is not what God ordained. Treat your wife as a mistress. Arnold did that often when we were young and we lived in Pretoria like we still do, but then he would work in Johannesburg and it was safer on those days. He would say to me: Get a babysitter and come and spend the night with me. I would get a babysitter and pack my bags and off I would go, and we would have a wonderful evening together, but early in the morning I would get back to Pretoria, send the babysitter home and it was just special. Treat your wife as your mistress. Go away for a weekend. Go to a lodge, to the beach, somewhere without the children because then we will be ready any time, any place, anywhere. You will discover things about us that you never knew were there. Take the car out for her. Just treat her. I remember one day I got into my car and there was a note on my steering wheel: Hi love, I have put in petrol, I have checked your tyres, drive safely, love Arnold. PS: Your stop light is also fixed again. Wow, what wouldn’t we do for a husband like that.

Then we have things like cards and love notes, and I know you guys say: What a waste of money, why spend money on anniversary cards, birthday cards, Valentine’s Day? It is important. I call it my fan mail and when I’m very low I take out those cards and I read them, even from the children too, it’s very special. Love notes, we need a love note, just don’t put it in the sugar bowl otherwise the maid gets it first and then you’ve had it, but just a love note. Put it in her pocket because you know she’s going to wear that jacket or with soap on the mirror: The one you are looking at is the one I absolutely love. I mean it does wonders to us. Guys, it’s just a bit of soap on a mirror, but it means everything to us.

I remember Arnold and I were both doing a seminar out of Pretoria and both our cars were at the airport, he came home first and then I came home and I found this little bit of paper in my windscreen wiper: Dear lady – all written backwards – I could not help noting how beautiful and elegant you are when you parked your car yesterday, I cannot get you to of my mind. I am a well-to-do professional man and I would love to have the honour of taking you out to dinner. Please call me at – and I won’t give you the number otherwise you are going to phone Arnold, and ask for Jan. With love. I knew it was his, but boy o boy just a little piece of paper. It’s getting scrappy now because I share it every time, but it means wonders to me. So these little notes are special.

Cuddle, cuddle in front of your children. We are living in a day and age where the kids say: I wonder if mommy and daddy are going to get divorced next because so-and-so’s parents got divorced and so-and-so’s parents got divorced. What if mommy and daddy are next? Cuddle. Show your children you’re still madly in love with another. We used to play lots of games and when Arnold had his turn he would give me a kiss in the neck and cuddle me and Dwaine would say: Dad your turn. It might be a little bit of impatience, but they can see what mommy and daddy are doing, they still love one another, we’re still safe. Very important for your children to see you are loving and cuddling one another.

Love gifts – you’re probably saying: Joy I don’t know what my wife loves. Take her window shopping. Don’t buy the things then, let her point out to you what she loves, then you go back later and you buy those things. I remember one holiday I said to Arnold: I just can’t find my nighty. He said: Well look under your pillow. I said: I did. He said but look again. I said: No, I have looked. I thought I’d better listen to him, so I picked up the pillow and there was the cutest little parcel and in it the tiniest little sexiest number that you’ve ever seen. I thought to myself does he think I am so small or is the message don’t wear it?

ARNOLD:   Slim vrou.

JOY:   Guys, I have brought you a packet because I am going to give you all sorts of ideas. You take what you can use with your wife, this is why we set the table very elegantly and I am going to just give you a bit of a scenario. What you do is decide: I am going to spoil my wife tonight. You make sure that the kids are out for the night and you only get them the next day, and you phone your wife’s friend and say: Will you keep my wife occupied till about 6 o’clock then you can let her come home. Then you get this all ready. You can ask the lady who did this for me to come and help you set the table if you don’t quite know how to do all of this, but in the bedroom you set the table, and you buy her – you don’t have to give a bunch of flowers every time. Sometimes just one rose is all she needs and you just put it in an old wine glass or something, and it looks stunning.

Then you get grapetizer or something and some beautiful cut-glass vases – always a candle. You light the candle. Now she hasn’t come yet, your friend has still got her and you light the candle and you set it all out and then quickly – oh by the way I want to show you how to dismantle a rose. My heart aches when I do this, but guys you’re going to need to hold this part of the rose and then you pick the top part off. What happens now is you dismantle the rose and so from the front door you drop the petals, and the front door goes and you know it’s your wife: Hi honey just follow the rose petals – but here we’re going to stop because what you’ve done is you’ve bought her favourite magazine Rooi Rose and this was for Valentine’s Day because he got some nice ideas. This husband got nice ideas from the magazine, here is a Rooi Rose. Then you get the most divine rusks at Woollies, they’re so divine and you buy them yourself and you take out a rusk. You make her a cup of coffee. There she goes and you put her in front of the TV to watch her soapy whatever it is with a magazine and the rusk, and you can just titivate so long. You can also put on a lovely CD. Do any of you know André Rieu, what an incredible man with his violin. Put this music on because that will definitely set the scene. It set the scene for me.

You have got everything now. She is busy watching there and then you call her on. Okay lovey you can come now. Then she follows these things and she sees this beautiful table. It’s just special. Please will you open this and pour it. Don’t expect her to pour her own grape juice. You pour it for her, naturally one for yourself too because you’re doing this altogether. Give her a lovely drink and then you fill the bath with bubble bath. You get such lovely smells and the bubbles must go and they must just be exciting and it must be bubbly. You’ve got the music going and you’ve candles, maybe you can have these tea-light candles right around the bath. That atmosphere is so beautiful. You can also ask someone to make you melt chocolate and add cream in there, and that makes a lovely dip for strawberries, and at the bath tub you’ve got strawberries and this chocolate and cream. You can join her and eat those. Have it ready for because remember she’s been out all day, she’s hungry and strawberries are very good for the intimacy part of marriage, this is what I was told.

If she asks you to join her in the bath, you join her and you have such fun under the bubbles. You can do what you like. All the time she’s feeling so special because you have now done all this for her. Also on the pillow always make sure that you’ve got a lovely notepad, a pretty one, where you can write just a little love note to her and you can put it on her pillow and together with that you’ve also bought her favourite chocolate and that goes on her pillow too for when she gets into bed, because now we’re still out of bed.

I must tell you what happened – a friend of mine phoned me and she said: Joy our sex is in such a rut, just tell me, give me some ideas – so I told her these things. I said put pretty little candles all around the bath, tea candles and switch off the lights. It’s just such a wonderful atmosphere. It does something to your wife and to you. If I give homework to do I phone and I want to know what happened. So I phoned her the next day. I said: And so what happened? She said: Joy, you won’t believe it, my nighty caught alight. I said: But your nighty shouldn’t have been on.

You jump out the bath out first and you take her towel and you put it in the tumble drier and you warm it for her and then you’ll come into the bedroom and you wrap it around her and you put her on the bed and you just chat to her. Then you get – Avroy Shlain gives wonderful foot spa’s, and you just massage her feet with this cream, and you chat. I said to Jacky, this is now Michael’s wife: Jacks, why would we want our husbands to massage our feet when we can go to the best spa’s. She said: You know what mom, because we’ve got his undivided attention, he’s looking at us, there’s no cellphone, there’s no computer, there’s nothing. He is looking at you and you’re looking at him and he’s massaging your feet. Well, that is very special.

Maybe she’s had a stressful day, then you get wonderful things called aromatherapy oil and you just put that towel down and you just oil her and massage her and wow. Collette says: Okay mom that’s wonderful for the evening. She said: You know what mom I am the one who loves practical things – that is my daughter. So what I did was, she gave me all the ideas, you can have a special little tin with ideas that you want your wife to do for you, and the wife wants the husband to do for her, and now and again you can open it and take out things. Your wife can take whatever she wants.

Now this is another day – an outing with your girlfriends, a ticket to the movies, a manicure, a pedicure. One free household duty that you don’t like, ask your husband to do it for you. A free vacuum, a massage. And so it goes on. These are the things that we love guys that you can do for us another day. But at the end of all this when you’ve massaged her, you can oil her if you want to – that can be for another day. You take out something and you just – and the evening is the two of yours and you have a fabulous time together. Guys, we need romance in the marriage, we need it.

My last point is now encourage us, praise us, support us. A lot of women battle with a low self-image – our self-image is 90% of what we think other people think of us. We need you to really support, praise and encourage. Praise her good qualities: You’re a wonderful companion, I love being with you, we have such fun together, you’re an excellent mom, a wonderful mother, wonderful spiritual partner. The more you encourage us the more we blossom and become that way. You know what Proverbs 31:28 says: Her children show their appreciation and so does her husband. He says: There are many fine women in the world, but you are the best of them all. When we go to the theatre and when we watch ballet and when we watch an opera and they do an extremely good act, we give them a standing ovation. Tonight guys I want you right now to stand up, give your wife a standing ovation, give her a kiss and a huge. Encourage your wife’s talents, believe in her abilities.

We didn’t start this thing together. Someone came to Arnold and said: Will you and Joy do the seminar?  I said: Arnold, forget it, I am a school teacher, I cannot talk to men and women. I will go with you, I will support you, I will pray for you. He said: But Joy we’ve got to do it together. I said I know but I am not going to talk. I am a teacher, I talk to kids, but I will go with you, I will encourage you, I will support you, I will pray for you. He realised he was dealing with a very difficult thing. So he said: Joy, won’t you do me a favour and read 2 Corinthians 3:5 and 6: My competence is not of myself, it is He who has made me competent. I read it and read it until I believed it. Then I said: Okay I am right and ready to do it. We have been doing it together ever since. Encourage your wife, believe in her. Pray together.

At the end of the day just say: Honey where are you hurting, how can I pray for you – and then she will ask you. I think one of the happiest times in my life – two pictures that I have got is as a child going into my dad’s study, he was a Baptist minister, and he was on his knees and he was praying. I knew he was talking to God about us and it made me feel so happy and I just closed the door and I walked out. Every morning behind my grand piano I see my husband with his Bible and his God talking, praying for us, praying for us as a family, grandchildren. That means so much to me. I just feel so special. Koester jou vrou. Cherish her. Don’t let anybody pinch her from you. You have worked so hard to keep her now keep her. No amount of success outside the home in the business world can compensate for failure inside your home. Thank God for your wife often in front of her. Treat your wife right, you’re the one that wins. God bless you.

ARNOLD:   You’re a star. Eintlik waaroor ons vandag gepraat het is liefde en dit is presies wat dit is, dit is liefde in aksie. Jare gelede het ‘n mediese dokter my kom sien. Sy huwelik was besig om uitmekaar te spat. Ek vra toe vir hom op een stadium watse liefdevolle dinge doen jy vir jou vrou, die soort dinge wat Joy nou vanaand oor gesels het. Hy sê nee hy doen niks daarvan nie. Nou hoekom nie? Nee, hy voel nie so nie. Ek sê vir hom: Nou wat het gevoel daarmee te doen? Nee, dan is hy skynheilig. O, sê ek: So jy dink dat as jy optree teenstrydig met hoe jy voel dat jy skynheilig is? Ja. Ek sê: Het dit al ooit gebeur dat ‘n pasiënt jou 3-uur in die oggend bel en jy moet opstaan om na die pasiënt te gaan? Ja, hy sê dit gebeur soms. O, jy spring seker uit die bed en jy sê: O, watter wonderlike geleentheid om my medemens te dien. Nee, dit is nie hoe hy reageer nie. Hoe reageer jy? Nee, brom, brom, maar hy gaan. Ek sê: Jy is skynheilig. Jy tree op teenstrydig met hoe jy voel. Hy sê: Nee maar ek moet. Ek sê: Hoekom? Hy sê: Nee ek het ‘n eed afgelê. I said: yes it is the Hippocratic oath, it sounds more to me like the hippocritic oath.

Toe sê ek vir hom: Daar was ‘n dag toe jy voor die kansel gestaan het toe het jy ook ‘n eed afgelê en jy het vir jou bruid gesê: ek sal jou liefhê tot die dood ons skei. Dit was nie voorwaardelik: as jy seksie bly nie, as jy slank bly nie, as jy altyd my gelukkig maak nie. Dit was ‘n onvoorwaardelike: ek sal jou liefhê tot die dood ons skei. Net soos jy optree in ooreenstemming met die Hippokratiese eed wat jy afgelê het in jou beroep vra jy my wat kan jy doen om jou huwelik te red, tree op in ooreenstemming met jou huwelikseed wat jy daardie dag afgelê het. Dit is ‘n besluit wat jy neem en ek waarborg jou die liefdesgevoel sal weer vanself terugkom. Moenie wag tot jy so voel nie, besluit om so op te tree, die gevoel sal terugkom. Dit het. Dit is al 15 jaar gelede, hulle is nog steeds bymekaar.

Ons sluit hier seminaar af met hierdie woorde, paartjies wat gelukkig getroud is, is paartjies wat besluit het hulle gaan gelukkig getroud wees. Paartjies wat ongelukkig getroud is, is paartjies wat besluit het hulle gaan ongelukkig getroud wees.

GEBED: Here, baie dankie vir die pret aand wat ons vandag kon geniet, vir hierdie praktiese dinge wat ons kon doen. Here, U verstaan ons so goed as mans en as vrouens. Dankie vir die huweliksmaats wat U vir ons gegee het. Here, ons gebed is net dat ons elkeen van ons huwelike daardie vreugde, daardie geluk sal vind wat U dit voor bestem het en wat U bedoel het dit moet wees. Maak ons huwelike weer opnuut opwindend. Om u Naam ontwil.

Amen.